Remembering
by XxNovellaxX
Summary: Ever Wanted to know what Meredith's thoughts were about the events having to do with the bomb and when Derek comes to see her? Well here they are! My first.


**This is from "As we know it", Now the only thing different is that I put what Meredith is thinking. Only because in the show you don't quite know what they are thinking, I know we all want to know so here it is!**

Remembring

As I lie in bed... all thoughts and images of the previous events come flouting through my head like a sweet aroma on a gust of wind...but only it isn't sweet at all. I remember... standing there with my hand in Mr. Carlson's chest my hand keeping him from bleeding out... I remember...that I was scared out of my mind. I knew I had to be strong not only for myself, but for Dr. Burke and the bomb squad leader. I knew they were as terrified as I was even though it never really shown on their faces.

I remember very clearly that Dr. Burke was saying my name, it sounded so far away, like a dream..only it wasn't a dream, it was a nightmare. He was saying my name and I wasn't answering. I was frozen in time and all I was thinking about was Izzie and George...And how they shouldn't have to move out of the house...incase...in case I didn't make it. Then I heard myself tell him; I was looking a crossed at the other guy, but I was telling Dr. Burke that Izzie and George shouldn't have to move out. I was in a trance...and all I could think of was...That I was going to die today and that _they _still need a place to live.

I remember Both of them saying my name calmly to me, like I was asleep or in some other world. I couldn't feel, smell or hear anything. I thought of Christina and how much she means to me as my friend...but Mostly I thought about Derek. I missed is voice, his smell and his warm touch. I felt tears trickled down my cheeks and I snapped out of it and back to that horrible reality, and that guy, that bomb squad guy was telling me that, he knows he's been a total ass this whole time but that I need to do this...and to picture someone I like...Like it'll make it seem easier. So I did. Instead of that guy who was standing in front of me, telling me what to do...I pictured Derek...My McDreamy. He told me that everything was going to be okay and that I need to be strong...and I believed him..I mean of course I did, it's Derek.

Dr. Burke had already slowly and carefully extended the wound so my hand and...the bomb could slide out easily. So...slowly and carefully I began to pull the bomb out of the victim's chest cavity. I remember having this look on my face, like half disgusted because _I _was the one doing this and the other half just plan terrified... The bomb was out and level in my bloody hand. I handed to the guy with that look still etched a crossed my face. I looked at the bomb and then at the guy as I slowly placed it in his hand. We were both watching me do this. Then, it was in his hands. I looked at him and he looked at me, we both looked down at the bomb in unison and then back at each other,

"You did good," he said to me, terror clearly in his eyes now that he had the safety of us all in his hands. He backed away from me and began to walk out into the hall, one baby step at a time.

Dr. Burke began to fix whatever else had to be fixed in Mr. Carlson. I felt a small smile creep up on my face at my victory and that I'd get to live another day to see everyone again. Then thoughts of the guy who know held the bomb in his hand, flooded through my mind. I began to walk into the hall, sensing Dr. Burke's eyes on me has I went. I saw the guy. He was walking slowly down the hall, a safe distance from me. I was thinking about how brave he was to be in this profession, and how brave he probably thinks I am for putting my hand in to save the day. He was still walking as I thought of all this and then...as if it were a scene in a horrible war movie the bomb exploded. Pink mist. Nothing but pink mist. I was thrown backward onto the hard tile, bashing my head causing me to go unconscious.

I remember being picked up carefully by two people and carried into the locker room. I felt the warm water of the shower flow over me as Izzie and Christina slowly bent my head back and washing the pink mist of my hair, face and neck. They didn't say anything, and neither did I. I just stared up the ceiling... thinking to myself, "I'm alive."

I hear someone coming up the stairs. I don't pay any attention. I just stay in bed in the same position I've been in since they brought me home.

"There's someone at the door for you," she says softly, knowing all to well that I'm not sleeping.

I get up slowly out of bed a few minutes after Izzie leaves and head down stairs. I see him standing there. My McDreamy... He lets out a long slow sigh when he sees me, like he's been holding it in for a while now. I walk up to him,

"Hey," I say sort of surprised to see him, and also in a manner that say's that nothing bad has ever happened. He doesn't respond, just looks at me with this worried look on his face. I secretly hope he's thinking about how he almost lost me and that he'd die if he did.

"...H-h..hey..." He stammers, "You almost died today," he finally responds a lot calmer then how he started.

"Yeah...I almost died today." At that he starts to move forward, like he wants to do something, hold me, kiss me...anything. Or maybe it was just me wishing that that was what he was thinking of doing. He looked away for a second, looked back at me and opened his mouth to say something. Only...nothing came out because I don't think he really knew what to say. Or that he knew what to say but was afraid to say it. He sighed again, looked at me one last time, Taking it all in as if...this...**this** was the last time he'd see me.

I feel a little disappointed that he didn't say anything and I say before he shuts the door,

"I..." He stops before the door shuts. "I can't remember our last kiss, all I could think about was that I'm going to die today and I can't remember our last kiss, which is pathetic but...that last time we were together and happy...I want to remember that...and I can't, Derek...can't remember"

I say this almost pleadingly so that maybe he'd volunteer to tell me, because I wanted him to remember, so that maybe it would show me that he can remember things like that, it would tell me that he still has feelings for me in a way I wish he did. But he says nothing. He looks at me and says nothing. He looks away again, like he's thinking once again about what he should say. All he responds with is,

"Glad you didn't die today." He then turns to leave. I look at him, hating him for not telling, For not letting me know that he remembers. Knowing that I'm not going to get a response, I turn and start to head back up stares. But then...he surprises me,

"It was a Thursday morning..." I stop were I am and I can here him coming back inside.

"You were wearing that ratty little t-shirt you look so good in..." I sigh a small sigh of relief and he continues, not hearing it, "The one with the hole in the back of it...You had just washed your hair and you smelled like some kinda...flower."

I feel excited about him remembering but I stay silent and slowly start to turn around to face him. He looks at me and is silent for a moment or two, as if trying to remember, then he smiles and continues,

"I was running late for surgery...you'd said you were going to see me later, and you leaned into me...you put your hand on my chest.." He stops again, smiling at me just a little because he knows what kind of affect this is having on me.

"And you kissed me...soft...it was quick, kinda like a habit," I'm looking at him now and he is still smiling. I think he's loving that fact that he could remember all of this exactly.

"You know like we'd do it everyday for the rest of our lives..." Yet again, Derek stops and looks off a little. I can tell he is thinking deeply into that last line, "the rest of our lives." I can't say I wasn't saddened at that, because deep down I knew that it would never be. Derek finally finishes,

"And you went back to reading the newspaper and I went to work...' He says that last part very softly, as if he were savoring the memory, then he says, concluding his fine recolection,

"And that was the last time we kissed.." and he turned around to leave, thinking that he was going to leave my house and not have to face me again, so he wouldn't have to remember. But I didn't let up, I wanted him to remember it all because I did all along, I wanted him to know I always knew,

"Lavender," I finally spoke. Derek turned around very quickly, as if loving the sound of my voice, " My hair smelled like lavender, from my conditioner. And he looked at me, remembering it and perhaps even smelling the sent of lavender in the air. He nodded at me confirming that that's what my hair smelled like and he repeats the word Lavender and sort of smirks to himself and chuckles a little. I just look at him, not blankly, a very small smile is evident and he finally leaves. Shutting the glass door behind him, but not completely walking away before looking at me...one...last...time. Still savoring it all.

That's when I knew, that if this was my the last day on earth, this...**this **was how I wanted to spend it...because I knew, that this was as good as it was ever going to get.

END

**After I watched that last part of the show I remember thinking to myself, "I wish I knew what she was thinking." And I believe I did...Sort of...**

**Please tell me what you think.**


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